The BBQSANDGANG is a secret sacred society that is so secret and sacred, this page doesn't actually exist. It was founded by Parsaw, Zao, Hesacon, and Saxamophone over 2 million years ago. Their saga has inspired greatness and evil in the hearts of SoV's knights over the years. Their rituals and activites are so sacred that not even the top BBQoligists can even begin to comprehend the sacred meaning.
The Four Sacred Tomes:
There is no way one person could possibly hope to comprehend, let alone explain the sacred truth behind the BBQSANDGANG. Due to its extensive nature, it has been seperated into four sacred tomes, known as the four sacred tomes. Each of the founders of the BBQSANDGANG wrote their own book for the four sacred tomes.
There is also one book produced that contains the sacred lingo used by the BBQSANDGANG, which is the Berserker Dictionary, and is as sacred as any of the Sacred Tomes. That's right, it's sacred.
Petitioning for the BBQSANDGANG:
Petitioning for the BBQSANDGANG requires you to send the answers to all current BBQSANDGANG members, as they all have to unanimously vote you as an official BBQ SAND GANG member.
1) Do you have lime in your coke?
2) Do you have lemon in your pepsi?
3) How much sand does it take to make a successful BBQ?!?!?!?!
During your petition process you must also wear the sacred Pink Elefant avatar.
Book of Parsaw
One snow day in Octember, there was a brave warrior that goes by the name of "Parsaw of bbb." So, liek omfg Par decided to liek pwn a n00b and stuff, so the n00b was like "YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ME?" and Par was like "NO U" so like they got into this huge argument and it ended with Par saying "IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAZER!!1!!1" and well, it was the end of the line for that n00b. :-( One, two, buckle my poo, you freaking shoe, go eat some stew. I EAT HUMANS!
After a long day of slaying some hobo zombies, Par decided to go with Zao and Hesacon and eat some poopsicles. "k" said Hesacon, while Zao was like "asdf ff jk L." FREAKIN' SAX hopped into the scene, miliseconds later, as a freak bbq accident occured, "JAJAAAAAAAJAJAJAJAJAJ" said Par while he flew up into the ground and decided to STFU some seagulls. Once those seagulls turned into a jar of grape jelly I decided that it was time...Time for me to take back what I most treasured, my Parsauce. So i went up to Conf and said, "DUDE! UR PISSIN ME OFF" and he was like "WTFUX HOMO STFU." Once I found that he wouldn't give me my Parsauce back, I decded to whip out my banjo and sing a song, that went a little like this: " I like humans yes I do, eat them always in my stew, covered in skin from head to toe, human skin's the way to go."DING DING DING WE HAVE A WINNER! Cause I have some purple socks.
I was so pissed off that Hesacon had eaten my can of poop that I decided to order him a LARGE BBQ PIZZA. It was pretty good, or so he told me. I never had any, I was too busy trying to figure out how to put together my freaking power converter! You scruffy nerf herder. SO THEN A MASSIVE STORM CAME AND WTF? IT WAS PART OF HURRICANE BBB lmfoa. "OH SNAP!!1!!!" Sax said, as he tried to eat his way through the giant brick wall made of poop. SO THEN, I went and did the twist, and I decided to try to eat some bbq sushi, which didn't taste very good, but it's okay, I ate it anyway, for it granted me the powers of the bbbian gods.
Diary of Hesacon
Prologue - Hillbilly Deluxe
When Parsaw came to Earth, he started eating up all the BBQ he could find. At this point, Minkor and I decided to take action. Mink gave me an assload of gp to buy Buster Bombs, and using exactly 37 buster bombs, I blew up the planet BBB while Kione held off Par with a NEWBAZOOKA. I was all like, CHOP! Then we had to lull Parsaw to sleep the only way possible. I kept shouting LIME while Kione kept shouting LEMON. This secret is only known to the people of the religion Kionism, though.
Kionism has one commandment, "thou shalt not get all up in my grill." I'm a Rabbi of Kionism, and know all the secrets except the stuff that hasn't been pulled out of thin air yet.
Parsaw fell asleep for 1000 years, and after 999 years, Jasper decided to wake him up, and shouted TWO SCOOPS, bringing parsaw out of his slumber. After this, Par vowed revenge on Hesa, Mink, and Kione for pwning BBB so hard, and Jasper was all like "SEAL OF APPROVAL." At this point, the BBQ SAND GANG was formed, a secret pact between Zao, Hesa, and Par that would go unbroken for almost two weeks, and then... it happened, a discovery, which shook the very foundation of BBQ itself. Parsaw discovered that Hesa was actually a duck.
None of this has any effect on the plot. Cry.
Chapter 1 - Rise Against the Machines
It was raining out. I woke up to notice the clock read 4am. I rolled back over and tried to fall back asleep. There was a problem. I wouldn't join SoV for another year, but yet I knew I was needed. Just then the phone rang. It was Parsaw. He asked me: "stfu plz ur so noob?" I had no idea what was going on, it must have been the fatigue. I asked him to repeat what he said. Par replied, "I said do you want to help create the most unholy abomination to ever walk the earth?"
I rolled out of bed and realized what I needed to do. I got dressed in my usual pink spandex and hopped on my bike. I needed to go to the BBQSANDGANG's new secret location and revive the perfection that was BBQ. I arrived on the moon shortly before 10am and Zao, Sax, and Par were already waiting.
I asked what we were doing. "YYYY U NOB LOLZ," Par responded. I knew my hearing was messed up, so I asked him to repeat himself again. "We've been called by the King of Nebraska to save the world once again." It was at this point Sax came out with the Magic Rings of Onion. There were four of them, one for each of us. We slipped them on our fingers and put our left foot in. We then proceeded to take it out, and shake it all about, at which point we were transformed.
Lightning fell from the sky upon us, and we were transformed. President Zao, President Sax, President Par, and President Hesa walked forth from the crispy wreckage that was our old bodies. It was time to kick some ass.
Chapter 2 - A trip to the post office
We arrived in London about 2:30 when Zao noticed he forgot his shoe. Since Zao's shoe has the magic power of levitation, we decided that it was pointless to have it in the plot and told Zao to EMOKRAI over it. It was at this point Zao decided that he was going to betray us later and that event will lead to the death of millions. But since I can't read minds, I can't possibly know about that and you should ignore it.
We went into the Louvre and decided to go see the painting American Gothic. Upon the realization it was just a bald guy holding a pitch fork, we decided we should contact the King of Nebraska to find out what the Hell he actually wanted us to do in London. Parsaw had the banana, though, so he dialed international and asked what we were supposed to do.
Ten minutes later Parsaw hung up and told us, "OKAE TWO SCOOPS NAO!" After staring at him blankly for three hours, he repeated himself, "we need to save Princess Tina, hurry up!"
On the way to the aquarium we stopped by pizza hut and got pork chops to sustain our mildly feminine hunger. We made our way to the aquarium about noon and knew immediately this was where Princess Tina was. As we got closer to the whale tank, we watched in horror as Sax lost his balance and was flung wildly through the glass. Tina's gravitational pull had overpowered that of the Earth itself! We looked towards the top of the tank. It was the Kangaroo Demon, we were set up. It was a trap!
Chapter 3 - No stone left unturned
The Kangaroo Demon explained to us that he had come 10,000 miles in search of Princess Tina, and now that he found her, it was time for them to take over the world together. Parsaw rebutted with "LMFAO@U DROP BOMBS!" The Kangaroo Demon was unphased and kept telling us some pointless story about how his father never hugged him, so I told Par he should try again. Par repeated himself saying "Hey asshole, we don't care, quit wasting our time."
It was at this time that the fight to save all humanity began. It began when Sax slapped Zao, then Zao ran into the corner crying. We were in deep shit if we thought we were going to win this fight. The Kangaroo Demon got onto his flying surfboard and came at us with the Sword of Justice. We dodged his first attack before realizing we missed the part of the plot where we went to get Zao's shoe. That would have really helped us right about now. Then we also realized that this story's plot is thin as it is, so it wouldn't have made any difference.
It was just then, crying like a little girl, Zao pulled out a cheeseburger he had left over from our food break some one chapter earlier and began eating it. Just then, as if a tornado had come down on us, a shadowy figure appeared before us. It was a stuffed dragon, and he explained to us that he was Minkor the Foul. He told us that for one bite of that cheeseburger, he would save us from the Kangaroo Demon.
Zao was reluctant to give up his last meal, so Sax went over and slapped him again. He gave up the cheeseburger and Mink ate it. Mink then proceeded to put on Zao's shoe and pulled out F'Nok's Axe. The battle was on.
Chapter 4 - Save the rainforest
I could hear the clash of weapons. The two titan weapons were struck together in an epic battle that rivaled forth graders fighting over a carton of milk. The Kangaroo Demon had a few tricks of his own, though. He pulled out a supersoaker and started spraying Minkor with it. Minkor's weakness to water left him paralyzed. The Kangaroo Demon proceeded to start putting all the birds from the aquarium into his pouch.
Parsaw shouted out "must construct additional pylons!" Zao pulled himself together to tell us we needed to stop the Kangaroo Demon, at which point Sax slapped him. As much as I would have liked to strike Zao, I knew he was right. I pulled out Excalibur because apparently everyone carries around a mystical weapon around with them. Then I remembered I was taking aspirin and I should not drive or operate machinery, so I wet myself and ran away.
The Kangaroo Demon proceeded to destroy the world, and the BBQSANDGANG moved to Parsaw's home planet of BBB. Zao took it the hardest that the world was destroyed. Even Sax slapping his bottom couldn't cheer him up. Zao disappeared never to be seen again except as a guest on the tonight show once every few years. I met with the founder of Kionism, Kione, and my life was never the same again.
No one could ever expect what happened next...
Chapter 5 - Sunshine and farts
Kione told us the one commandment to live by, "Thou shalt not get all up in my grill." This of course begged the question of what would happen if we broke the first commandment. The answer was simple: "Fear the Cactus." We asked what it ment and Kione told us break it and find out. So we sent Sax onto the tonight show and he slapped Zao. Zao proceded to get all up in my grill and the ground opened up. A giant cactus came out of the ground and slapped Zao. Sax married the cactus that night.
Suddenly, as if I didn't have any other way of advancing the plot, Parsaw's fone rang. We asked him why he had a fone and not a phone, but he just told us our art sucked. Parsaw answered his fone and talked in chinese to his father on the other end. He hung up about three minutes before he answered the fone and told us "Let X be a projective complex manifold. Then every Hodge class on X is a linear combination with rational coefficients of the cohomology classes of complex subvarieties of X." Our puzzled looks let him know he needed to repeat himself like usual and he said "my dad's a virgin, we need to get him laid."
We set off for the library where we knew we could find Par's dad some tail. Upon arriving at the museum Zao got hungry and stole a bone from the T-Rex exhibit and started eating it. He loved the taste and went back for another bone. When security learned what he was doing, they called security to have Zao escorted out of the park.
We followed Zao out of walmart and noticed something was wrong. The sky was blue! This could not stand. We sent Zao back into target to buy some crayons. By the time he made it back out into the parking lot where we were waiting, Zao had eaten all the crayons except for one. We took the macaroni and cheese colored crayon and got on each other's shoulders in an attempt to recolor the sky orange.
Chapter 6 - Chapter 4
Once the sky was half colored we decided we should throw a party. I stole Par's credit card and tried to buy a yacht and a bottle of wine so we could have our party, but it was declined so I used Sax's credit card. We launched the A.S.S. iShip in a port in Bolivia when we were attacked by pirates.
These weren't ordinary pirates, oh no. They were Pittsburgh Pirates. They attacked our ship with hockey pucks until we sank. Now under the water we realized that we were under water. We saw an old friend under the water, it was Princess Tina! We could finally collect our reward from the King of Nebraska!
Princess Tina only spoke in English, so we had to wait for Par to translate. Tina spoke a few words in English and Par translated "it's obvious that we must assist Princess Tina in a dangerous rescue of the Queen of Arizona before we can continue on our journey." By now in the plot Par realized that we couldn't understand the first thing he said, so he repeated "dis tast lyk caca wii shud roflcopter."
We followed Princess Tina into an underwater cavern just north of Santa's house where we knew we could find the sinister carebear trio and have to fight them in the nude. This could very easily make you blind if you read on.
Chapter 7 - Springtime for Hitler
Taking off my patented pink spandex, I felt a sudden chill, like my pink spandex had been removed. It was of little consequence as the cactus was now wearing sax's shirt. The carebear trio stood in front of us. They were happily named Patchy, Lefty, and Tyrone.
Tyrone started by insulting us. He called us pansy ass fairies until Lefty whispered to him "quit making fun of Patchy." Patchy ran off crying. We were one step closer to whatever we were trying to accomplish here. It was then I realized there was no point in fighting these guys, so I took my onion ring off my finger and ate it. Big mistake.
My body began to quake. The by now stale onion ring had given me special powers to act like an asshole without fear of realizing what I was doing. But now, well, I still didn't care. I didn't feel any different, but I popped a tums in case the feeling came back. By now, you, the reader, must be wondering what I'm smoking. I have to wonder why you're still reading this and not doing something productive like pirating the latest Adam Sandler DVD complete with the FBI warning that piracy is wrong and you can be charge with up to $500,000 and jail time.
It was then that the FBI showed up and arrested Sax and brought him to jail. The cactus cried in only ways a cactus could cry and Zao rejoiced at not being hit. Naturally we couldn't allow that so I took out my revolver and shot his ear off.
Chapter 8 - The Road Less Traveled
We went to the courthouse to plead with the judge to let Sax out of jail. We argued our case for hours, pulling every legal trick from paying the jury to using the chewbacca defence. Eventually the janitor came up to us and told us to go home, it was 2:11am and the judge wouldn't be in for another seven hours.
So now we were left with a dilema, break Sax out of jail or go to a strip club. I wanted to break him out of jail, but Zao was determined to go to the strip club. The tie breaker would have to come from Par, who told us "uhh... kay i go nao." It was then that none other than Bob Barker came to our aid.
Bob said to Par "I completely agree with you Par, we can go on daytime TV to make the money for Sax's bail." It was settled, we would have to kill Drew Carey. We set off on our magic winged poodles towards San Diego.
Once we arrived in San Quentin we noticed something weird. The King of Nebraska was there, with Princess Tina and the Kangaroo Demon. Laying at their feet was Tyrone the carebear, dead. Bob Barker stepped forward with his magical unisex AK-47 and opened fire.
Chapter 9 - The Mystery of the Lock Ness Monster
The bullets rained like the morning mountain mist across the meadow. Mysteriously, most missed their mark and many more made a mess and left the special effects guy with an impossible task. He had to make Princess Tina look like a princess. Unfortunately, with Sax nearby, the comparison made this impossible.
Par said unto them: "What is the meaning of this?" Blank stares ruled the day and Par was demoted from BBQSANDGANG spokesman to dog catcher. I'm not talking stray mutts either, I'm talking about Kim Kardashian.
Zao, despite his better judgment that he might be slapped took over as spokesman and asked: "What is the meaning of this?" The answer was swift. The King of Nebraska, Princess Tina, and the Kangaroo Demon began to glow. Tyrone was a human, er... carebear sacrifice. We were too late to stop the ritual. They combined into a 6 armed, 6 legged, 3 tailed beast. It looked a lot like Kim Kardashian.
Sax immediately beat feet and he was gone. "Good riddance," I thought. Then I realized he had the car keys and I didn't have enough cash for a taxi. The beast attacked and killed Zao in one slap.
Chapter 10: Counting Flowers on the Wall
Bob Barker was no help whatsoever. We brought him onto the team thinking his experience would at least get us a pilot episode on CBS. Alas, it wasn't to be. He ate all our pizza rolls and left. Dick.
It was now Par and me against the beast. I remembered back to my religious training. The number 666 was the number of the beast. This was blatantly unhelpful. While I was coming up with a plan, Par wet himself. Like, full on deluge puddle on the ground.
Sax then returned with the Holy Golden Crystal Scepter of the Great Spirit of the Sky and Moon and Volcano and Sky. When it came within 500 feet of the beast; incidentally the same distance the Kangaroo Demon was allowed near a school; a bright light blinded everyone. The beast was gone, Zao was resurrected and toughly slapped, and the King of Nebraska, Princess Tina, and the Kangaroo Demon lay passed out on the ground.
Was this the end of our journey? Had we won? Not exactly. Back in Chapter 1 we were trying to bake a pie. That pie was as of yet unbaked. Our work was just beginning.
Chapter 11: Mercy Flush
(It appears the rest of the Diary of Hesa is covered in letter-sized ink blotches, making it illegible. I will attempt to locate another copy of this Sacred Tome.)
Encylopedia of Zao
Everything you are about to read is true. Cry.
Chapter 1 - The day the sun exploded
As Zao awoke from hibernation he realized that the only thing to do was to find the lost sword of BBQ, so he gathered up his buds in the BBQSANDGANG and told them the plan. They all hated his plan and told him to stfu so he went and took some myspace pictures of himself, but then he realized that there was not enough light. So he climbed the ladder of truth and turned the nob on the sun all the way up to a billion. Little did he know that this was a sucks thing to do. So Zao went on his n00bish way taking myspace picture after myspace picture and then uploading them on his gay myspace account. But he noticed that no one was commenting on them. "Wtf?", He said. So he devised a plan to enslave the whole human. Hesacon was quacking to him about something but Zao just gave him more bbq and he was happy again. So Zao got Sax and Par and they enslaved the whole human race and they forced everyone to comment on his stupid myspace pictures. A little while later Par said that this was pretty gay and that he wanted to go home and play some death metal (as did Sax) so Zao let the human race go and they all went to his house and played death metal until the sun exploded then Hesacon stopped eating his bbq and said, "Wtf?".
Chapter 2 - The day that Hesacon got turned into a real boy and then into a frog and then back to a real boy and then into a duck
One day Zao, Par, Sax, and Hesa were all sitting around when Parsaw turned Hesacon into a real boy and then into a frog and then back to a real boy and then into a duck again.
Chapter 3 - That one time that a lot of cool stuff happened but nobody remember any of it
As Parsaw was walking down the street with Hesacon (they were both OHKing noobs), they realized that they couldn't remember what happened the day before.
Chapter 4 - The summoning of the Poop
Hesacon was makingout with his millions of hot chicks one day when Zao came by and asked him what time it was. "STFU O' Clock!" was his reply. This was a pretty cool thing to say so Zao was pretty happy. He started walking to Pars house when he realized that there were brownish clouds swirling above. He went inside and Par was HAXing the well made up of souls. "Yo, wtf brown?" Zao said to Par. "Nigga plz, STFU Scoop afk." was Pars response. So Zao started helping him. When the summoning was complete the ground started rumbling and then a giant turd appeared "bbb" it yelled. "JAJAJA plz w/more sand." Par commanded. So the giant turd set to work. As it was dancing around and singing twinkle twinkle little star Hesacon and his millions of hot chicks came by and told Australia to stfu. Aussie land did not like this so they sent their most bestest warrior to defeat Hesacon and re-claim their honor, F'nok (this is a different F'nok, he has blue hair). So F'nok flew to the BBQ States and slapped Hesa right in the face. Hesa dropped his lemonaid and said "Yo". He then did a lvl5 spin kick that was dodged the F'Nok. F'nok changed weapons to his +3 Mace of Nokkyness and then used the ability Face Smash on Hesacon. Hesacon Parries it easily and then used lvl3 Noob Slap that tossed F'nok across the room. F'nok used his sprint ability and ran around behind Hesa and quickly changed his weapon to a dagger so that he could use his lvl4 Backstab ability, but the cooldown wasn't up yet so Hesa turned around even quicker and used his BBQ Cannon Shot (which critted F'nok for 800 damage) F'nok quickly drank a beer and then used his lvl8 Beard Slap Attack that hit Hesacon for a whopping 2000 Damage (But hesacon has 50,000 hit points so none of this matters). That made Hesa mad so he OHK F'nok and then took a monster dump on his body.
The giant turd was still dancing and singing but once he saw Hesacon taking a monster dump on F'nok he started to burp and fart a lot. Par got bored and Sax told the whole world he would brb and then Zao ate the turd.
Pamplet of Sax
This BBQ book is all sandy. Cry please really.
Lost Scroll of Can Not
This sacred tome is so sacred that it gets its own .pdf file. Read it by clicking here.